


can i kiss you?

by punkenigma



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Evan Is A Good Boyfriend, Evan says what I wish someone would say in regards to my derma, Fluff, I just really love this couple, I must create said content, If a ship lacks content, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jared has dermatillomania, Jared loves ninja turtles, Jared needs support, M/M, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Sensory Processing Disorder, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Trans Male Character, Trans!Jared, don't have the time sors, enjoy, fight me, if reading panic attacks triggers you, mainly fluff, maybe don't read this one, slight angst, this is definitely self projecting, this is my first fic since like middle school, wholesome making out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 00:23:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14344065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkenigma/pseuds/punkenigma
Summary: Jared and Evan are having a quiet night in, but Jared is more anxious than usual. For once, Evan knows how to help.





	can i kiss you?

Jared pulled the bathroom door closed, tugging a little harder until he heard the click. He placed his pajamas on the counter and looked around, a small smile playing on his lips. The place was spotless; Evan’s shower products were lined up uniformly and the mirror didn’t have a single speck or smudge. Shaking his head, he began to change. He tugged off his jeans, making a conscious effort not to lift his boxers enough to see his thighs and kept his hands moving, refusing to feel over his skin for the fear of finding a new bump, or worse having his mind conjure one up. He pulled on his sweats, a pair of flannel ninja turtle printed pants that were given to him as part of his family’s Hanukkah tradition. 

He took off his shirt and piled his clothes on the toilet. Hesitantly, he looked in the mirror. A lump formed in his throat as he stared at his shoulders, littered with scabs and scars from incessant picking. He gently tugged at the straps of his binder, searching for any new bumps that had formed from the friction of the fabric against his skin. Subconsciously, he raked his fingers across his skin, digging his nails deep enough to draw blood.

A knock on the door jolted him back into reality. Through it came Evan’s gentle voice,

“Jare? The popcorn is ready.”

Jared stared at the blood on his shoulders and cleared his throat.

“I’ll be out in a sec,” he called back. It was hardly eleven and he knew that the movie would be at least two hours. He’d take his binder off then. He pulled on his old t-shirt, an orchestra tee from freshman year - he had since quit orchestra, sure that not being involved would open up opportunities to make newer, “cooler” friends; he had been wrong- and left.

In the hallway, he could hear Evan padding around the kitchen and humming to himself. Jared smiled and, upon entering the room, rapped his knuckle gentle against the door frame to announce his presence. Evan looked over his shoulder and smiled.

“Drinks will be ready in a minute.”

Jared walked over and wrapped his arms around the taller boy’s waist, peering around his torso. On the counter were two mugs of hot chocolate, of which Evan was in the process of topping off one with whipped cream. Jared smiled, knowing that one was his as Evan had a problem with the texture. 

“You didn’t have to do this, y’know.” 

Evan chuckled, shaking Jared in the process.

“I know, but the weather is perfect and you had a rough week.”

“You’re the best boyfriend in the world, you know that Hansen?”

“Jared, I’m your only boyfriend.”

“My point stands!”

He rose to his tippy toes and tugged at Evan’s shirt sleeve, a signal for him to lean down. Evan bent his knees slightly, allowing Jared to place a kiss on his cheek. He hummed in response handing Jared his mug and gently leading him into the lounge. 

Jared placed his mug on the coffee table before hopping on to the couch, immediately pulling a pillow onto his lap. Evan smiled, sitting down himself. Jared scooched closer to him as Evan pulled a blanket across the two of them.

“So! What’re we watching? Something scary, I hope?” He said, teasingly. Evan rolled his eyes.

“Oh come on, Ev. Scary movies are like, a movie date staple!”

“I’m not really in the mood to be scared shitless right now, sorry babe.”

“Are you saying you don’t have faith in my abilities to protect you from supernatural psycho-killers?” Jared gasped, feigning offense. Evan laughed, shoving Jared’s shoulder. Jared shoved him back, equally as amused.

“I figured we’d watch  _ The Force Awakens _ ? I haven’t seen it since it came into theaters,”

Jared nodded and Evan smiled, popping in the dvd. Evan sipped his drink before curling up, shrinking enough for Jared to wrap an arm around him and pull him closer. 

 

~~~

 

Jared’s fingers ran across his neck again, pulling at the slightest change in texture. He pressed against a portion of skin he had rubbed raw and cringed slightly. Evan shifted, pulling him out of his mind.

“Jare?”

He looked down, locking sight with Evan’s bright blue eyes.

“Hm?” he hummed. Evan didn’t respond; instead he hesitantly leaned up and placed his lips gently against Jared’s. He pulled back and Jared raised an eyebrow, the corner of his mouth upturned.

“Can I help you?” he asked. Evan smiled his usual lopsided grin and shrugged.

“You seemed distracted.”

Jared raised a hand to Evan’s cheek, who leaned into the touch. He chuckled.

“This just in, my boyfriend responds to affection like a cat.”

Evan snorted, pushing into an upright position. Jared watched him with fondness as he pushed his hair out of his face. Evan looked at him again and leaned in.

“Can...can I kiss you?” he whispered. Jared’s face heated up, but he tried to keep his cool. Unable to formulate a response, he nodded and let Evan close the distance between them. He tasted sweet, like the concoction of popcorn and m&m’s that Jared would make when he was younger. Jared smiled into the kiss, bringing his free hand to the back of Evan’s neck. Evan gently tugged at his bottom lip and Jared eagerly parted his lips with a content sigh. He could feel Evan smile, the heat of his skin burning into Jared as well.

Eventually, Evan released him and Jared was quick to kiss along his jaw, leaving gentle pecks that tickled Evan in the slightest bit. Evan let out a deep sigh as Jared released their hands to snake his arms around his neck. Jared brought his lips back up to his boyfriend’s and shifted so his legs were underneath. Evan hummed and gently pushed forward until he was hovering above Jared, kissing down his neck. Using one arm to keep himself up, Evan ran his free hand across the skin on Jared’s side, gently pushing up his shirt. Jared moaned softly, tugging at Evan’s hair ever so gently. Chuckling, Evan complied and raised his mouth back up to the smaller boy’s. As they kissed, Evan’s hand slowly hiked Jared’s shirt higher, until his entire midriff was showing. Jared froze. Evan noticed.

“Jare?” he whispered as he pulled back enough to look at his face. His eyes were closed and his breathing was growing labored. Panicking, Evan pushed off of Jared and slowly helped him sit up.

“Hey,” he cooed, “Its okay. Its okay, Jared. Jared can you look at me?”

Jared swallowed hard, feeling the lump in his throat from earlier return. He felt the blanket wrap around his shoulders. Only until he felt Evan’s hand squeeze his own did he open his eyes. The light was blinding and it took a couple seconds for his eyes to focus on Evan’s concerned face in front of him. Jared couldn’t form any words. Evan squeezed his hand again before letting go and walking into the kitchen. He soon returned with a glass of water- no ice- and held it to Jared’s lips. 

After drinking a bit, Jared’s face had returned to its normal color. Without words, Evan placed one of Jared’s hands over his heart and began to take deep breaths, a trick his mother used to do for him. Slowly, Jared’s breathing returned to normal as well. Only once he had calmed down did Evan speak again.

“You’re safe, Jare. No one else is here. You’re safe.”

Jared nodded, a choked sob releasing itself from his throat. He rubbed furiously at his eyes, his glasses going askew. Evan removed them from his face, using the hem of his shirt to clean them. Jared composed himself to the best of his ability. As Evan returned the glasses to his face, he whispered a quiet apology. Evan shook his head.

“You have nothing to be sorry for. Do you- do you want to talk about it? I’m not going to force you to, I know how awful that can feel.”

Jared cut him off with a nod. Snapping his mouth shut, Evan leaned back and listened. Jared huffed before responding.

“I don’t want you to see… it.”

“It?”

He nodded. His eyes looked everywhere except for Evan.

“I don’t understand. Your binder? I’ve seen you in it before, Jare.”

“No, not my binder. I… it's gotten worse, Ev. The picking.”

Evan’s mouth formed an ‘o’. He reached out and squeezed Jared’s hand. Finally, Jared looked up. 

“I know you can’t control it. It doesn’t make you any less you, though.”

Jared shook his head.

“No,  _ no _ . Its hideous, Evan. I look like someone took a fucking cheese grater to me. Its-  _ I’m _ hideous.”

There was a pause before Evan had a sharp intake of air.

“Do you remember the first time Connor wore short sleeves around us?”

Jared nodded.

“And how, despite the ninety-degree weather, it took an hour of us listening to him berate himself and his scars and us reassuring him before he finally took off his hoodie?”

He nodded again.

“Do you remember what Alana said once he took it off?”

Jared hesitated.

“‘ All those scars show is that you’ve fought a couple battles on your way to where you are now.’”

“Exactly. That applies to you,” Evan nudged his shoulder, “too. You don’t have to show me or anyone, Jare, but regardless of what they look like,  _ you _ will always be beautiful.”

Jared looked down, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, something he’d seen Evan do hundreds of times before but for once, he was the one who needed help. Biting his lip, he looked up, locking eyes with the taller teen. He nodded and with a whisper, replied,

“I want to show you.”

Evan nodded, giving him a reassuring smile. His hands shook as he began to his top up. He had gotten it to the bottom of his binder before he began to freeze again. Evan scooted closer.

“Can I help?” He asked, gently. Jared nodded, squeezing his eyes shut. Evan’s hands folded over his own and they slowly removed his shirt. He released a breath he didn’t know he had been holding and he felt Evan’s hands retreat. Hesitantly, he opened his eyes. Evan was gazing at him, smile warm and bright. He gently brought one hand to Jared’s hip and the other to his cheek, compelling him to look up.

“See?” Evan whispered, voice dripping with tenderness, “ _ Beautiful _ .”

Jared felt his face heat up and he looked down, trying to calm the warmth spreading in his stomach. Evan leaned down and kissed his head. Jared bit his lip, looking up again. Leaning further into Evan’s warmth, he whispered,

“Can I kiss you?”

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first post on here (and fic in general since like 2012) but I just love these characters and this show too goddamn much to not contribute content.  
> Definitely projecting my insecurities with dermatillomania onto Jared, but as he is my child and fictional twin I do not feel bad about this.  
> This is lowkey a vent piece tho, a really fluffy vent piece.  
> My tumblr is @/punkenigma if you wanna be friends  
> Thanks for reading my shit


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